Thursday, December 22, 2016

The World's Best Bloody Mary Recipe

As a paramedic, I do a lot of drinking in the morning after shift. It's not my fault. Aside from this little slice of heaven I've only recently landed in, most of my career has been spent bouncing between soul rotting, low paying ambulance companies. The job isn't bad because of the sometimes-gross nature of field work - that's not a big deal when you have a proper support network. No, EMS tends to wither away your entire will to continue living due to the know-nothing idiots who are typically promoted through the ranks into positions of management. I use the term management because people who tell you things like "you shouldn't work so hard... it's just a job," or who blame you for their budget shortfall because you signed up, and were approved by them, for overtime shifts are [barely] managers, not leaders. But I digress...
Through years of intensive alcohol research my wife and I have discovered the recipe for the world's best bloody mary. Bloody marys are very good for you and cure or cause work related depression (These health claims have not been evaluated by the FDA). I share this recipe today with those of you who remain in the captivity of crappy EMS management, in the hope that this drink may bring a small ray of sunshine or blackout drunk hate rage to your life. No seriously you need to be careful with these. Hide your phone and don't do any online shopping while consuming this drink.
Step 1: Prepare the glass.
Pour coarse salt into a bowl or small dish, maybe 1/3 to 1/2 cm deep. Use a lemon wedge to wet the entire rim of the glass. Immediately dip the rim of the glass into the bowl to coat the rim with salt. Fill the glass 1/3 full with ice cubes.
Step 2: Add liquid ingredients.
Pour one to two shots of gin into the glass. Then shake five to six dashes of worcestershire sauce into the glass over the gin. Fill the glass the rest of the way with Tobasco brand bloody mary mix, leaving room to add garnishes later. Alternatively, mix liquid ingredients in a tumbler if you have one.
Step 3: Add dry ingredients.
Dash in celery salt or onion salt to taste. Stir the mixture with a spoon without disturbing the coarse salt on the rim of the glass. Grind black pepper in a layer over the top of the mixture.
Step 4: Garnish.
Garnishing is arguably the most important step in preparing the world's best bloody mary. Be advised, there is a wrong way to do this. The following is a list of acceptable garnishes for the world's best bloody mary:
The following items have no business going anywhere near this drink or your mouth in general:
  • Green beans
  • Celery
  • Asparagus
Step 5: Drink.
It is now time to drink. This can be done after you get home, or, if your employer has mandatory call-back time, right in the parking lot at work. What are they going to do? Make you take that late dialysis transfer after your shift's over when you've been drinking? Sorry, no can do. You just drank like five of the world's best bloody marys and f*ck 'um!

For more EMS drinks, click on the following links:
The Screwtransfer
The Lift Assist

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