Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Screwtransfer

This is the second installment of a multi-part series on mixed drinks for off-duty EMS providers. Click the following links for parts one and three:


This simple yet effective after-work potent potable is a variation on the classic screwdriver, called... the screwtransfer. The Screwtransfer is designed to drive liquor into your gut as fast as possible after your dispatcher sends you and not the oncoming crew on a late interfacility transfer at the end of your shift and completely screws your entire day off. Indeed, you had planned to mow the lawn and change your oil on that one non-raining day forecasted for the whole week, but noooo.... someone who is completely ambulatory and who even owns and drives their own car has demanded that the Medicaid taxi drive them to dialysis in their jammies. Or, the patient who has been sitting in the ER for the last 8 hours must now be emergently transferred out to a hospital 100 miles away, and, oh yeah, the RN was nice enough to give them all of the kayexalate with sorbitol before you got there so you don't have to worry about doing it en route. Now you are so freaking exhausted when you get home that the only things you're able to muster the energy to accomplish are to yell at the dog for crapping on the carpet, and then go to sleep. For those days... the screwtransfer.


1) Your drinking shirt. Don't act like you don't have one in your car right now.
2) Orange juice or any other juice.
3) Potato liquor.

Step 1 - Take off your uniform shirt and put on your drinking shirt in the parking lot at work. The last thing you need is to get caught doing this in the liquor store parking lot. The near-minimum wage paying EMS industry has a fa├žade of professionalism to uphold.

Step 2 - Hit up the liquor store for the cheapest vodka or gin you can find. It doesn't matter what kind; it's all the same.

Step 3 - Grab whatever orange juice or other juice you can get easily at the grocery store. Again, it doesn't matter. Your goal here is to get in and out as quickly as possible to decrease the risk of running into anybody you know and having to come up with a bunch of bullshoot smalltalk to entertain them with. There's no time for that garbage; you have drinking to do.

Step 4 - Mix up those delicious ingredients over some ice, and drink. Portions are up to you.

Step 5 - Yell at the dog again.

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