Monday, March 26, 2018

Tide Pod Stock Rallies After March for Our Lives

Procter & Gamble, owner of the Tide laundry detergent brand, jumped 1.25% out of the gate after the opening bell this morning following the weekend's "March for Our Lives" protest against gun rights. With Wall Street pricing in an optimism for elevated profits from the popular soap brand, the increased consumption of Tide laundry detergent pods by the student protestors is, without a doubt, the boon this company needed to turn around its flagging share price over the trailing quarter.

Only weeks ago, doctors at a national level were begging teenagers to stop eating laundry detergent pods, and struggling to find ways to educate teens about the practical differences between laundry soap and food. Now, the very same teenage Tide pod zombies have been somehow elevated to wise elder status as puppets of the radical left, who, by the way, do in fact want to take your guns.

It is a mystery to me why these people are begging a government lead by President Trump - who they have been calling a fascist Nazi for the past year and a half - to revoke, under the force of law, our most effective means of defense against fascism. I furthermore can't understand why I should listen to the opinions of a person under the age of 21 whose ideological platform includes a belief that those under the age of 21 are so dumb and irresponsible that they shouldn't own a rifle. This is cognitive dissonance.

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